Maryam’s Musings

Someone once said to me, “Watch your words.. because once you’ve said it, its out there, and you can never take it back.”

I regret not reminding myself of her words. Clear and precise. But yesterday, I lost my mind. I had a big fight with someone I really love. And I had said some very extremely hurtful words that broke his heart. He really hated me for that.

But then… there is no point regretting things. It had happened. And as I cried myself to sleep last night, I vowed to Allah that if he ever forgives me for what I have done, and if he could love me again… I will not say things that I will regret again. Not ever.

I feel as if there is no hope left for me. And I have no other ways and means to remedy things but all I can do is pray to Allah that he forgives me.

It is the second day of the new year. Not that I celebrate new year anyway. But it is a good time to reflect on what we have done over the past one year. Muslims are encouraged to reflect upon what they have done on a daily basis.. I think it is called muhasabah in Arabic. If you think you have done a lot of good deeds during the day, praise Allah for allowing you to do so and pray that you’ll be able to increase it the next day. But if you have committed a sin or sins for that matter during the day, well… Allah is the Most Forgiving, so repent and promise yourself that you will not repeat the same mistakes again!

The twins have been so wonderful today. We took them out to get some groceries this morning, and they were so obedient. No more running around the store playing hide and seek.. and no more yelling or crying after a fight.. Actually, it does make you feel good when people around you notice that you have a pair of twins.. I mean after three years of marriage, Allah blessed me with two beautiful daughters… It just feels great.

And I only have Allah to praise for this wonderful gift. A huge number of children have died due to the tsunami disaster.. and it makes me, as a mother treasure them even more.

Well, life must go on. And I will be back to work tomorrow after this well-deserved break. Allah, please protect us from harm and grant us forgiveness so that we would be able to meet You when the time comes…. Subhanallah!

Malaysians have been very generous in giving donations. For the tsunami victims, almost RM10 million have been collected from various organizations and individuals. Hopefully, these collections would be able to relief them of their predicaments.However, as I was watching the news on TV tonight, I seriously felt that some of our local politicians were taking advantage of the situation. I mean, why must we focus so much on who donates what and how much.. and how caring our politicians are, going around the country and giving donations to the victims. Isn’t that what they are supposed to do anyway? They rule the country, and they have been given the amanah to take care of our wellbeing. Never mind.. I shouldn’t be suspicious of their intentions anyway. May Allah forgive me.

But I cried again tonight when I watched the news. It was so heartbreaking. They managed to capture the tsunami effect in Sri Lanka. The waves were so strong and a family of about six I think (one mom and five kids) were hanging on to one of the perished houses. The sad part was when the kids got carried away by the strong waves, one by one. Can anyone imagine how the mother would have felt? To see your children dying, one by one while you yourself are so helpless?? I couldn’t. I would rather be the first to die so that I don’t have to watch them die! Allah, please give them strength if they survive.. or grant them jannah if they have lost their lives!

To all Malaysians, keep the donations coming in!

Although I am not a fan of the current Malaysian government, I must congratulate Pak Lah for directing everyone to cancel the New Year celebration. Someone finally managed to speak some sense into him. This is not the time for celebration. If we are not sympathetic, at least be emphatic.

I read with tears in my eyes the story of the parents whose child was a victim of tsunami. I pray that Allah gives them reward for their patience. And I cannot avoid but recall back on the ‘tragic’ death of one of my cousins. She was just 7, and she started school that particular year. She has an older brother whom she rides on the school bus with everyday. That sad day, her brother forgot to hold her hand while crossing the road and she accidently dropped her bag. When she tried to pick the bag up, the bus ran over her. And she died on the spot. Her brother took about three years to get over it.

Of course, the life of a child is irreplaceable, but her mom gave birth to another daughter two years after that and they gave her a name which was almost similar to her.. Allah is great.. He took from them a child, and gave them another one.

No celebrations this year, but new year is still there. So Happy New Year everyone.

O thou folded in garments!

Stand (to prayer) by night, but not all night,

- Half of it,- or a little less,

Or a little more; and recite the Qur’an in slow, measured rhythmic tones

Soon shall We send down to thee a weighty Message

Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise)

True, there is for thee by day prolonged occupation with ordinary duties

But keep in remembrance the name of thy Lord and devote thyself to Him whole-heartedly

(He is) Lord of the East and the West: there is no god but He: take Him therefore for (thy) Disposer of Affairs

(74: 1-9)

It is finally here. The month of blessings, the month of forgiveness.. the month of tests. Marhaban Ya Ramadhan.PS: I am making a new Ramadhan resolution. No more missed prayers!!!!!!!